I worked as a housekeeper at a hotel in Marshfield, WI for exactly one day. I should've known better than to think I was cut out for manual labor. Did you know that there is actual training involved on how to clean up other people's trash box rooms? I was "shadowing" a woman of whose name I have forgotten. I feel like maybe she was a Tammy. Tammy had a perm, blue eyeliner and was in her 40's. Her hair gel game was on point. I was on summer break from college and fairly desperate for a job. Tammy taught me valuable life lessons; always vacuum first, dust second. Vacuuming kicks the dust back up and onto the furniture. Thanks Tammy! The following day she would teach me how to "clean toilets" and said "I looked like a girl who wouldn't need to wear gloves." Hey Tammy, slow your roll...
Turns out Tammy was right. How did she know? I've been sticking my hands in poo water for at least eight of the last twelve years, without gloves. This is metaphorically of course. I have very clean hands and a mad case of PTSD. So maybe I ignored many a signs that it was time to quit my job over the last decade...
1. Everyone openly talks about what anxiety meds they are on. These include but are not limited to Xanax, Lexapro and Ativan. Maybe they share when locked in a stair well during a tornado drill with a hundred college students. #maybe
2. You have a whole conversation to convince your boss you are not, in fact, wearing black jeans to work when you are, in fact, wearing black jeans to work. It becomes one of your favorite stories and proudest moments. #sadtruths
3. You decide you will leave everyday at 5:24 because those last 6 minutes are torturous. "Please don't hang me by my toe nails, I mean, make me wait until 5:30."
4. You take all the free things just to donate them that same weekend to the Goodwill.
5. You only shop at the Goodwill.
6. The new credenza in the hallway at work costs as much as the five jobs you've absorbed.
7. You get in trouble for asking about the five jobs you've absorbed. They didn't really mean there was an open door policy. Get your ish together.
8. You consider getting pregnant for the three months maternity leave and then someone's all like, "but what about the 18 years after that?" Leave me alone already!
9. You can no longer be bothered to learn the new hire's names. They will quit before their benefits kick in. One of them will call you to ask a question and you have no idea who you're talking to. Their enthusiasm is nauseating.
10. You wonder if your bank is keeping track of how much money you spend on wine in the same vein they track meth cookers buying Sudafed. You start rotating your purchases in between the Kroger and the Publix to avoid the judgement of the bag boy. You drink said wine and watch Intervention. "Those poor people," you say.
11. You no longer have control over your eye rolls or sarcastic interjections. You wonder what more you have to do to get fired and be eligible for unemployment.
12. Everyone thinks their offices are bugged.
13. You stop washing your hair and literally have no idea how many consecutive days you've been using dry shampoo for.
14. If you dress fancy everyone assumes you have a job interview over your lunch break.
15. Your butt goes numb everyday around 3:30.
16. Your brain goes numb everyday around 3:30.
17. The people around you getting promoted are, well, special. They get Thanksgiving mixed up with Cinco de Mayo. This is funny and then it's not. Also, their pants are too short. I am obviously talking in generalities. No one specific here. Moving along...
18. You start wearing graphic tees under your blazer. The blazer makes them work appropriate.
19. You discover maternity leggings. They'll come in handy during the months you have that baby before putting it up for adoption.
20. The lady at Target knows you want a popcorn combo before you order. This is your lunch after all. (This actually has nothing to do with work. I just really like popcorn.)
I'm not done but I will stop. I feel like there's supposed to be some anecdotal story about courage in the face of fear here. Not in this case. This is more of a "I'm so tired I can't anymore..." A cautionary tale if you will. I have no idea how to tie a big pretty bow around this post so I will...
End Scene.
